because I really had no idea what to say about
myself that would be of any interest, or more
importantly appropriate to share, with the random
visitors that happened upon my humble little
corner of the internet.
The original purpose of this site was twofold: I
wanted to document my various projects, in
particular the DARPA Grand Challenge robotic
truck, in a kind of funky prime time nonchalant
format that would be equally interesting to the
technical and non-technical reader alike and
(hopefully) generate a following that I could
shamelessly exploit for future trade or commerce.
The second reason was simply to have some
bandwidth to post schematics and diagrams for
the members of the Dutchforce Electronics
Forum where I moderate as the apparently
brilliant electro-god "Jim the copier wrench".
with the content and layout before anyone ever saw it, but
Find something and burn it logged an incredible 800 hits
in it's first month of existence. Although light years away
from being in the same league as Brittany's quim, I was still
surprised that I was able to generate such interest even if
the majority of that interest was probably due to my friends
checking things out. Today, although far from complete my
site seems to have found a small but faithful following
watching my total lack of progress.
overly concerned with the judgement of others, but if in fact I do ever
intend to generate any business thorough this site I probably shouldn't
paste photos of my genitals all over the page. Or perhaps I should.
Although I'm certainly not so vain as to believe that a poorly written
novella about myself will hold anyone's attention or interest for very long,
as someone who has been thoroughly misunderstood from age five I feel
that the sum of the bare biographic elements of my existence to date do
not accurately reflect the whole person I have become.
I've always found that when I read of the lives of others that the account
seems to be lacking something dimensional about who that person really
was. For all of the intricacies of the written language, it's still quite
useless for articulating the soul in the second person. Poets attempting
to pen the concept of love have been confounded for millennia - and
finally, in my opinion have simply invoked the metaphor in defeat. I
cannot in words even adequately describe the special and unique
personalities of my long dead cats Baz and Rex. Google will return
1,710,000 results for Albert Einstein. Nearly all will reiterate his role as
the author of the theory of relativity, but what would really interest me is
knowing is if he liked "doggy style". Perhaps I'm just bent or perhaps this
stems from a total lack of being impressed by academic accomplishment.
After all, we're all made of meat at the end of the day.
So who am I then? Well, I'm James Peter Tyson. Son, brother, former
husband, convicted felon, genius, geek, mad scientist, deep thinker,
dreamer, lover, and class clown. Bigger than life and twice as ugly. A
conundrum: A spiritual atheist, a biker-nerd, a pacifist that can box, a
heath conscious trans fat junkie. I love to eat, drink, smoke, sing, and
fuck to excess. I like porn and technical journals. I can cook but don't,
Shrek made me cry, and although I can fix absolutely anything,
everything that I own is always broken.
Oh, that would have made an excellent personal ad.
not more) a part of me than any technical prowess, knowledge, or
aptitude that I allegedly possess. I may eat and sleep machines
but there is so much more to me than engineering. With that said,
a quick paragraph on how it all began.
pop culture icons, a wailing 7-1/2 pound pink Satan spawn was shat upon the pudding scum of marginally
solid rock that we refer to as the Earth's crust. Once there, it quickly developed into a serious pain in the ass
child on a mission to drive it's teen aged mother insane by using various methods of psychological warfare.
The spawn was also considered a dummy by most because it refused to learn anything in school, refused to
acknowledge authority of any kind, lit a lot of fires, and disassembled anything that it could get it's dirty little
mittens on. My early life was quite interesting to say the least.
I grew up in a "working class" neighbourhood; simply a kinder name for the Irish/Italian low rent shit burgh
part of town where the elite men aspired to be drywall tapers and the women to early pregnancy. With a lack
of desire to sniff glue with the cool crowd, an interest in books, and a Bryll Cream hairdo and unfortunate
growth rate that guaranteed that my pants were always too short, I stuck out like Liberace at a Teamster's
picket. My happy adolescent nick-name was "Flood Fag", so although getting laid was totally out of the
question, I certainly learned how to fight.
As a small child I was able to grasp mechanical concepts very quickly. I thank me dear old Granddad for the
DNA. I quickly realized that all machines regardless of their complexity all break down into simple
components. At age 7 I began devouring The Radio Amateur's Handbook and any other electronic
publication that I could get my hands on and started playing with electronics, first learning basic electricity,
then series and parallel circuits and component types and usage.
In my early adolescent years while a ward of the province (an unfortunate consequence of teaching myself
how to pick locks and hot wire cars among other things) I taught myself computer programming on a
Commodore PET 2001. At 13 I mastered digital logic circuits and started modifying the computers of the era.
I send a warm thanks and a very wet kiss to Jane Powell, my teacher (and secret crush) at Syl-Apps who
probably put her incredibly shapely ass on the line for letting me open up the (at the time brutally expensive)
Apple 2e's.
I suppose I'm a bit of a savant. If something interests me I can master it quickly. Given a pad of paper I'll
clearly explain how a helicopter works, the life of a star, or why time travel is impossible. However balancing
my bank account or finding a matched pair of socks seems to truly baffle me. Go figure.
To this day although I've never completed elementary school I've never found this to be an obstacle in my
professional life. Most people just assume that I hold an engineering degree.
These days besides my position as head geek at E.O.E. Konica-Minolta and refitting the owner's 60 foot sail
boat the Axion Esti for her upcoming transatlantic voyage, I like to screw around and invent things, tinker,
blow shit up, or work on "my shit" as I like to call it.
such as an autonomous - and armed - robotic postal
van from hell, a really cool tracking telescope that
listens as well as looks, a microwave pain field security
system, a car mounted speed graffiti device for tagging
the highways at 100 Km/h, stretching my motorcycle to
accept a Mazda automobile engine, and a few hundred
smaller projects including trying to renovate my house,
building this site, and finding out if infrasonic
frequencies can actually intensify the female orgasm.
Soon I'll take the time to outline all of my projects future
and in progress on a dedicated page as time permits.
fuel, I'm also into astronomy, astrophysics, dogs, cats, old tube stuff,
natural redheads with freckled chests, singing (now and again),
reading, beer, lifting heavy things, being naked, driving in reverse at
high speed, making people laugh, ass-ugly rat bikes, Jameson Irish
whiskey - hold the water please, and spending the night in the
middle of nowhere watching the stars.
Some personal shit about me: My favourite authors are Prof. John
Gribbin and Prof. Paul Davies (non-fiction theoretical and relativistic
physics) and Stephen King (fiction). My favourite all time book is
probably The Stand but it's hard to only have one favourite. I also
had a secret shame author (Jack Axler) who wrote a terrible
post-apocalyptic pulp fiction series of which I'm missing several,
have outgrown anyway, but would still buy if I saw them at the local
Value Village. For movies I generally like Chick Flicks, recent
favorites being The Hours and Big Fish.
What else can I say? This isn't a site about me, it's about what I'm
building. This was simply intended to give you a little insight into the
mad bastard at the other end of the wrench. Enjoy the project
buildups as they get underway, and check out the project diary to
see what's holding them up.
hanging 6 stories from one arm.
Below, my silly little red car.
live for today and have fun. Make sure that when your time is
up that you go to the box without regrets and without wishing
that you had done something that you didn't. Because that
would suck.
#2 - Don't bitch about broken things that you're too damn
lazy to fix. This includes yourself.
#3 - Spend your money. Die penniless. Let the city bury you.
Eat, sing, and fornicate now. Wouldn't you really rather have
another motorcycle than an RRSP?
#4 - Self help books are for lighting the stove and scooping
up dog shit. You already know the answers, so fix things or
accept them. See #2.
#5 - Learn how to be absolutely fantastic at giving oral sex
and indulge as often as you can. Learn multiple techniques.
Learn how to give a great full body massage. Girls talk and
you'll be very popular.
#6 - Nudity is not eroding the moral fibre of society but
fuckhead lawyers and apathy toward violence certainly are.
#12 - Draw smiley faces all over the dents in your car and
lighten up. You'll be happier.
better place now.
probably not.
#14 - Masturbation really is okay. It's fun and much better
for you than television.
#15 - Give back what you take. The universe is pretty strict
about balancing energy and you should be too. Except for
#5, then give twice as much.
#16 - Keep yourself in perspective. Even the bears know
that we're just made of meat. Read about the eventual
fate of our sun over a glass of very expensive wine.
#17 - No matter how tough you are somebody will
eventually beat the living shit out of you.
#18 - Buy expensive shit because you want it, not
because you think it'll impress the chicks. They're
laughing at you dude.
#19 - Sign your organ donor card then go and eat
something that you would never normally order and eat it
very slowly. Was pretty fuckin' good, wasn't it?
#20 - Every time you have a drink, toast something.
Northern Ontario without power for eleven days in
minus 15 degree weather.)
that have gone into your body. Don't pretend to live clean
and then go running to the drugstore to poison your sorry
ass with shit every time you sneeze. Learn how to do your
own sutures. If you think that's such a nasty thing then why
will you want to show everyone you know when you're done?
#8 - Mind your own fucking business.
#9 - Flirt often. It's fun and it'll make someone else's day.
#10 - Don't waste your time fighting over rocks that will be
here a million years after you're gone.
